Dear unmarried guys,

I hate to break it to you, but Christian women are not as innocent as they may seem. Perhaps instead of saying “they”, I should say “we,” but oh, well. Semantics. I thought about you today, guys, and decided that it would be a good idea to tell you the truth because a truth that you do not know cannot set you free. Plus, I needed to jolt you all into the realization that you need to pray and be watchful. King Solomon warned about the Strange Woman several times in Proverbs 2, 6, 7, and elsewhere.  Before I go on, I’d like to underscore the fact that this is generalization, and every woman is unique and different. Still, I just thought I’d share:

1) If you’re dating a woman who is 25 and over and you haven’t proposed, chances are she has a plan B. It might be hard to take in,  but women these days have woken up to the fact that godly men are few and far between. She knows two things. A, she’s a beautiful, godly woman, and she is therefore wife material. B, men know what they want, and will do what it takes to get it. Sooner or later, she’ll pick up on the fact that you’re wasting her time, and she’ll make the appropriate arrangements to move on. So if you’re being a joker, style up; if that ultimatum comes up, take it seriously. In the back of her mind, she has already calculated the amount of time it takes to befriend, be courted by, get proposed to, be engaged to, and become married to a man. She knows that if you break up, she does not have another 5 years to get to know other people, because her clock is ticking. So if you have been dating her for over a certain number of years, chances are she is slowly putting her ducks in a row and casually getting to know other brothers just in case this hits the fan. This is not wrong at all. She’s not cheating. She’s just looking out for herself. No rings, no ropes.

2) Size matters, and so does other superficial stuff. This is another hard truth to take in, but there you have it. The size of your bank account, the size of your faith, the size of the diamond in the engagement ring, and the sizes of other things are topics that come up in discussions among Christian women. They will fast, pray, or try to find ways to ascertain that you are appropriately-sized in the appropriate places. Your looks will be discussed, as will your grooming and manners. For some women, these are deal breakers. For some, they’re not. The wrong size does not always mean she’ll walk away. To be safe, take care of yourself. There are some things you can’t change, but there’s no reason for you to walk around all raggedy, for instance, especially since you know very well you wouldn’t touch a raggedy woman with a ten-foot pole. You might not be able to afford the best, but do the best you can; don’t be cheap. Christ is the standard, and he gave His life.

3) There are still virgins out there. In 2012, there are women of all ages, in the 20s, 30s, maybe 40s, who have decided to save themselves for marriage. I know several. You cannot tell it from their faces and they may not necessarily broadcast it, even though lately broadcasting virginity has become fashionable (and profitable). But, here’s the caveat:

4) Virginity has become relative. In 2012, the word “virgin” pretty much means any woman whose vagina has not been penetrated by a penis. So if you’re looking to marry a virgin, be sure your definitions are in agreement. To some people, it’s possible partake of or participate in EVERYTHING but penile penetration and still be a virgin. Isn’t it funny that if a person in a relationship or marriage partakes of all these things, it’s cheating, regardless of whether penetration took place or not?

5) She likely does not want to marry a virgin in the technical sense of the word. In fact, when I was considering reviewing Christian books, I came across a candid book, Preparing for Marriage the Right Way, by a lady named Ebonie Hardman, that was my first encounter with such a blatant admission of this fact. I had heard it said in hushed tones, but here she was, putting it in a book for all to see. Her prayer (which I think was answered, by the way) went as follows, “I ask… that my husband has experience in the bedroom… and can teach and guide me… I would love to experience that joy in marriage with a saved man that has experience with women in [his] ‘Before Christ’ days.” This is not uncommon at all. It is something many women pray about. Whether it’s a good or bad thing, I don’t know. I’m not saying you should sleep around to develop your skills. If Eve had babies, Adam learnt his skills, somehow – and we know there were no women before Eve. I’m just saying it happens.

6) You might find her online. Online dating does not carry the stigma it once did. I say to any man out there who is busy whining about being single, go online. I doubt that God is going to bring your woman sailing down from the sky on a silver platter. Your choices, and your actions, have a role in the matter, and God is pleased to guide you and bless your direction. There are many Christian women who have given up on finding a good man in their circles, and so they have opted to choose the internet. If you’re too shy to use a dating site such as Christian Café or Christian Mingle, Facebook is a goldmine for any single man. People are a little freer on FB because they do not necessarily feel that they are being sought out as potential spouses. Use your discretion, of course.

7) She wants the full package. The 2012 Christian woman is successful, and if she’s not, then she likely wants to be and is working towards it. She’s not going to settle for just anyone. This is the truth. Yes, we may say that your level of education does not matter, and it really doesn’t in the grand scheme of things, but if you have any control over the matter, go to school. Get a decent job. Learn a little bit about fashion. Today’s Christian woman wants to date a man who can pray up a storm, help change diapers and do dishes after dinner from time to time, bring home the bacon, and wine and dine her. The way she sees it, she’s expected to hold it all down AND look good doing it, so what’s stopping you? The point here is don’t be complacent.

8) She CAN become your wife without loving you. Because a woman’s greatest need is security, it is very possible for a woman to agree to marry you even if she is not deeply in love with you, as long as everything is just right. In fact, an aunt of mine advised that no woman should ever marry a man who loves her less than she loves him. Her punch line? “The love will come. Women can grow to love men, but if a man does not love you, that’s it.” Well, husbands are told to love their wives like Christ loved the church, aren’t they? What did Christ do? He died for His church before she even knew Him! He does so much more for her now that she is His bride! So as painful as this might seem, don’t whine about it. Here’s the secret: A woman cannot help but love a man who loves her right. Think about it – the more you learn about Christ’s love for you, the more you love Him, right? But will Christ allow people who don’t love Him into heaven? No. I would not recommend marrying a woman who does not love you.

9) Her influences could dictate your peace. Opinions, solicited and unsolicited, flood into a born again woman’s ear gates day in, day out. The magazines say one thing, church says another, and her friends probably blend the two together. If you want to marry today’s Christian woman, you have to learn how to put your foot down and decide the path your home will take. If you’re not strong, you will buy a car because Kamau bought one; then you will sell it when Opiyo sells his; and you will move abroad because you are trying to compete. Fashion trends, social activities, spiritual activities – all these could go so far as to determine your sexual life and the well-being of your children, so know what you need to know before you commit. Think I’m kidding? Well, how are you going to get any loving if she’s at a kesha? Who will pick the children up from school if she’s at a monthly girlfriends’  retreat in Mombasa? Speaking of which:

10)  She might see children as a hindrance. This is among the toughest things for men to accept these days, and they often find it out after they are married. But today’s Christian woman might not want to have children right after marriage – or ever. School and career, or, in other words, “moving on up,” and having a good time, conveniently branded as “freedom,” may actually be a priority. Friends call me every few weeks CRYING – not for joy – because they MIGHT be pregnant. PRAYING that it is not true. They freak out before they even go to the store to buy the pregnancy test. You’d better be 100% sure you are on the same page on this issue if you want to avoid a bitter marriage.

What does all this say? Well… if you want to marry a good woman, know that you might find her in an unconventional place or manner. When you do find her, take your time to get to know her. Understand that she is only made flawless in Christ; her past may have some gory details but is cleansed by her Lord. Get to know why she is in it. It’s 2012. Several lines have been blurred. Truths are no longer absolute. Everything is relative these days. So discuss your definitions and see if you are on the same page. If she says she does not want children, take her seriously, and if you want a few, then find someone who will bear them for you without bitterness, deceit, delay, or complications.And lead. Lead, lead, lead. Extend grace to her, because Christ did, and because He extended grace to you.

Love,

Pea.

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