Howdy!

Is it true that any man can commit when he finds the right woman? I’m sure we all have that friend who dated a guy for eight years, then broke up with him because he wouldn’t commit, only for him to end up married to someone he “barely knows” six months later. I’m hoping to write a letter about this someday. Today I’m just wondering, why will a man commit to one woman and not to another or all others? Women are good at making lists – human beings are good at pinpointing the ways in which others can serve them. But the Lord’s way is not to ask what others can add to our lives, but how we can serve. What does a godly man have to see in you, know from you, for him to decide that his search is over? Here are some questions he’s sure to ask himself:

1) Money Management: Will his finances flourish?

A high-maintenance woman is good for that brief moment when charm and beauty still have the opportunity to work their deceit. But after a while, something snaps, and he realizes that he cannot maintain her lifestyle much longer. A man wants to know that his moneys will not be wasted on selfish, extravagant pursuits. He wants to know that marriage to you will not mean that his home is turned into a colander through which money seeps like water. He wants to know that his businesses will not be run aground and his children will not be found dry-mouthed and malnourished if he has to be away from the country for a week. I believe that a man who does not need to spoil you will often go out of his way to do it.

2) Culinary Command: Will his dinners be delectable?

Robert Frost said there’s only one thing more frustrating than a wife who can cook and won’t; and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. I don’t know why most, if not all, men love a woman who can cook. I suspect that it is because hidden beneath every man’s macho, superman tendencies, there lies a desire to be taken care of. If you can’t cook, he might say he doesn’t mind it, but I want to dare to say that I’m sure he’d prefer it if you did. Cooking isn’t that hard – definitely not in this day of Videojug, YouTube and AllRecipes.com.

3) Sensitive Speech: Will his renown be remarkable?

He sits with the elders in the gate. I have observed for myself the way men’s expressions change when their wives or girlfriends criticize, berate, belittle, interrupt, correct, or mock them. It’s especially bad when these things are done in public. I have learnt that any woman who wants to be a wife has to learn two very important skills: biting the tongue and rephrasing the thought. I say that a good man is known by the glow on his wife’s face. Any woman who shows her husband respect influences others to do the same and inspires him to be the best he can be. If  she tells people that her husband is lazy, ugly, and horrible in bed, then no matter how hardworking, handsome, and skilled he is, her words will shrink and emasculate him before everybody else. Why would they doubt her? She lives with him; she must know the guy, right?

4) Beautiful Balance: Will his family find favor?

Okay, so the point of a marriage is to leave and cleave. And when two become one, their extended families have to take second place. I dare not contradict scripture on this. But for some reason, the world makes it seem like you have to be a bad in-law to be a good wife or vice versa. The truth is women can actually be on wonderful terms with both their husbands and their in-laws. A woman’s parents-in-law deserve the same level of respect that her parents have. I believe it is possible, albeit sometimes hard, for a woman to win over her in-laws no matter how nasty they are towards her.  It is possible to firmly put a stop to the type of meddling that can ruin a marriage without making relatives feel hated. What I’m basically saying is that the way I see it, a man wants to know that his relatives – especially his mother – will be welcome in your home and heart, and that their shortcomings will not be pinned on him and seen as his flaws.

5) Privacy Policy: Will his secrets be safe?

First, he has to sense that he will be able to confide in his wife, and of course, she in him. There should be no secrets between husband and wife. Second, the things he tells her in confidence have to be kept between them. Not even the bestest of best friends should hear a peep of what a man tells his wife in secret. Nobody needs to know about the scandals in a woman’s home. Airing dirty laundry is a no-no and dating/courtship is one wonderful time to practice this. Even as people remain accountable, there are things that I believe are better left kept away from the world. If you discuss his breath and smelly socks over coffee today, then you will discuss his penile size and bedroom skills over dinner tomorrow. It’s 2012, but God’s word, which commands discretion, still stands. Like someone wisely said, “Do not think that someone else will hide for you what you yourself cannot conceal.”

6) Unwavering Understanding: Will his attributes be accepted?

What attributes? The fact that he’s a man, has a busy job, is doing his best, and has needs. Without fail, or at least 99% of the time, when I ask a man what he is looking for in a woman, one word is sure to come up: understanding. When I ask what this means, many say “She should not nag.” No man wants to be called at work to be told there are no tomatoes in the house. Nor does he need this information as soon as he steps through the door. A woman needs to observe her husband and read his moods and know when to bring things up. He does not want to walk into the house and meet chaos. Part of being understanding is knowing that after he has had a long day he prefers to retreat to a haven and not circus. It might be hard to keep this up after children come along, but just a room where he can retreat will do.

7) Valid Value: Will his portion be profitable?

If marrying you will not add to his life – worse, if marrying you will subtract from his life – then it is unlikely that he will do it willingly. This is why it is said that there is no point in buying a cow if you can get the milk for free. The way I understand it, before any man commits to being with a particular woman for life, he will sit down and ask himself exactly what she is adding to his life. If he can already get sex on a whim, good meals, and laundry services, why make things more expensive for himself by paying for a wedding and having to move out of his bachelor pad? It’s also more expensive for a man to buy fast food for two than it is to buy a meal for himself.

8) Lifelong Loyalty: Will his trust be treasured?

No man wants to be looking over his shoulder wondering who is going to steal his woman from him. Men just don’t have that kind of patience and tenacity. Beyond a certain point, they will not give the benefit of the doubt that a woman will. Any man needs to know that if he is blindfolded he will not be led to a cliff and pushed. He wants to know that his wife is not in the relationship for his money, looks, or prestige. He does not want or need to be judged. He needs to have his wife’s respect and forgiveness. During the courtship days, everyone is on their best behavior. If a woman’s best behavior is insults, nightly clubbing, and being rude to his mother, he will not feel safe. The thought of marriage to this type of woman will only breed apprehension and cold sweats.

9) Nurturing Nature: Will his children be cherished?

It’s surprising to me that women nowadays are so concerned about keeping their figures that they are willing to forego having children if it will mean no sagging boobs and protruding bellies. It makes me wonder where we get our identity. Every man needs his wife’s cooperation to leave a legacy that will impact generations. Someone said “a man influences society from the top down; a woman does it from the bottom up.” If he’s looking to raise a family, and you’re more concerned with your career or think children are the fastest track to misery, then you’re on different levels.

10) Ended Expedition: Is his search settled?

Men notice it when their lives improve as a result of being around a particular woman. They also take note if things begin to go wrong as soon as they are affiliated with a woman. I believe that every sensible man seeks in a wife something that he cannot get from everybody else around him. When he finds that thing, he will do whatever it takes to keep it. I’m sure you’ve heard the analogy of the hotel vs the home. I’ll put it a different way. On the way from Nairobi to his rural home in Western Kenya, a man may make many stops to pick up many things: lunch in Nakuru, cabbages in Molo, fuel in Kericho, potatoes somewhere else. As soon as he gets what he needs for that moment, he pays his dues, rolls up his window and drives off. But when he gets to his home, his journey is finally over. The car is parked and offloaded. He has arrived. What makes home different from a pit stop?

Is it ever too early to begin to prepare to be a wife? No, it’s not – just like it’s rarely ever too late to become a good wife.

You are somebody’s Miss Right.

Love,

Pea.

ar·ri·val [uh-rahyvuhl]
noun
1.an act of arriving; a coming.
2.the reaching or attainment of any object or condition.
– dictionary.com

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