Hey, girlfriend.

Are you single and frustrated?

Oh, dear. I feel your pain. I’ve been there, done that, and even got the endorsement deal. I went from always having a boyfriend through most of my teens, to getting serious about God and suddenly feeling like all men were spiritually not serious, to finding out it was time to get real with myself because we all know what Einstein said madness is.

After years of praying, crying, dating unbelievers, forcing, staying up in bed, and being angry and frustrated, I finally got to the point where I understood that seasons may describe a woman’s location and progress, and they may define the way her friends look at her, but they do not define her. You are no less feminine because you have no man; you’re no more feminine because you’re a wife. I also learned that it’s normal to have a “Why?” moment once in a while and also that nobody should judge you for wanting to be single (but this latter discovery is a different topic for a different letter). I got to the point where I refused to let women look down on me or feel sorry for me because by God’s grace, or by manipulation and nagging, they got someone to put a ring on their finger before I did. Marriage is not about arriving, nor is it a race. It’s a gift. Oh, I could write a book about my experiences. And I just might. But this is not about me. And I know that if you’re reading this, you’ve gone to all the conferences and seminars, listened to all the sermons, and know these facts like the back of your hand. So let’s talk.

I’ll share a policy of mine with you (again): Being real is half of any battle and a quarter of any war. Remember what we learned about settling? Facts are not always true – “the earth is flat” was once factual information – and the majority is not always right. We owe it to ourselves to determine why we believe what we do. We have to examine our lives and see why certain things aren’t working for us. And then we have to seek God for the courage to change what we need to change so that what we expect to work can work. If you want to be married, the first step to getting there is admitting this desire. The two most important people to admit it to are God and yourself. The first woman was created because the first man needed help. Marriage was the first institution on earth. It predates the church, and is a symbol for the church and Christ. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be a wife.

Here are ten possible reasons why you’re still single single women stay single for a long time.

1. Your location.

I’m serious. Do you live in the middle of nowhere? Do you ever spend any time in places where you’re likely to run into the type of man you’d like to get married to? How will you see an open window of opportunity if you are in a different room, or miles away from the house? Remember when the Lord told Philip to stop what he was doing and go to a desert? Philip obeyed and literally ran into an Ethiopian man whom he led to salvation. Think about the many opportunities and circumstances that God had to put together for this miracle. The Ethiopian had to leave when he did, and open the scriptures when he did, so that Philip would meet him when he was in that exact passage. Philip dared not hesitate to do what God had instructed or else he might have missed the man. Are you physically where you’re supposed to be in this season? How about at this exact moment? If you’re not, move.

2. Your attitude.

If you’re waiting for the perfect man, a) you’re about 2,000 years too late; b) sorry to disappoint you but He might not even have been good enough for you because He was not particularly attractive and He was poor; and c) you shouldn’t be waiting because you already have Him. (By the way, the only Perfect Man who ever walked the earth was single, so please tell that to the next person who tries to make you feel less human because you’re not married.) If you’re waiting to be perfect, give up; it’s not going to happen. Marriage is not for people who have arrived; it’s a school. Are you a drama queen? Men smell that from miles away and avoid it like the plague. Are you afraid to try new things? Be adventurous… try joining a Meetup group in your city, or an online forum, or a dating site. Don’t cut off a man just because he’s not your type – his friend, workmate, or brother might be your type. Don’t reject a gift from God because you’ve prejudged the packaging. Don’t be embarrassed! You’re single, not leprous. Share your desire to be married with people you trust. Put your prayers together and see what happens.

3. Your faith.

Do you believe you’ll meet someone? If it is impossible to please God without faith and if anything that displeases the Lord is sin, then fear (faith inside-out) and doubt (questioning God’s ability) are both sins.  What makes you think your situation is impossible? Do you think it’s difficult for God to hook you up with – more than  just anyone – the right person for you? It’s not! What do your words, actions, and prayers say about your beliefs? You just might be speaking your man out of your life and you need to stop it! Our words are powerful, and they flow from the heart. And, because we’re women, many times the state of our heart is written on our faces. What’s the state of your heart? Being single is not a bad thing at all. However, if it is less than what you desire, and you choose to resign yourself to it, then it is all you will ever have. Your location is important, but it does not limit God. Just like He has inconvenienced you in order to bless other people, He will inconvenience others to bless your life. This same God who did not deny us His only begotten Son will not withhold any good thing from us. Believe that He has the best for you.

4. Your independence.

Men may appear macho, but they have insecurities too, and want to feel needed and sure that they have your attention. They usually don’t take the time to make a move if they’re not somewhat certain that they’ll have success.  It’s just the way it is. Don’t downplay your intelligence, and don’t be ashamed of your success, but allow yourself to be feminine and “leadable”. Anything with two heads is abnormal. Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine the intimidation they must experience being around any beautiful woman. We often make it harder for them than it needs to be. But that’s not all – I think there is such a thing as being too independent before God. His Word says He is close to those who call on Him in truth. When we’re willing to admit that we need Him, then we’re ready to be led by Him in the way we should go.

5. Your past.

You could be single because you’re living in the past or paying for a past decision. If you’re busy cyber-stalking your ex, how are you going to notice that guy who is in love with you? If you turned everybody down when you were in your early 20s to take up a lucrative contract or further your education, they likely moved on with their lives and got married, and it would be unfair to expect them to have waited for you. Bitterness only brings trouble and one thing the earth cannot stand is a bitter woman when she is married. It’s alright that you’re 30, 34, and not married. It’s even alright that you turned down that hot man whose children you now wish you bore. Moving on is an invaluable choice… Make it.

6. Your indecision.

Before you get into a relationship it’s important to know what you desire from one. Before you are ready for a husband, you might want to take the time to know what you want from one and what it means to be a wife. If you get into relationships just because they’re available, you’ll find yourself having a string of breakups and wondering why none of them grow into something bigger. Remember Einstein’s wise words. Changing your strategy just might change your life.

7. Your fear of commitment and/or vulnerability.

Are you afraid that the minute you settle down, better opportunities will come along? Do you feel like your married friends could have done better; are you afraid you’ll end up like them? Are you only attracted to men who are taken? Are you afraid to fail? Are you always sure, then uncertain, hot, then cold? Do you feel like marriage will burden your life and make it dull and boring?  Why is this? Has someone broken your trust in the past? There is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out all fear… Fear has torment. If you need to get help, please do. You might just need to take things slowly and not feel like every “Hello” is the first step to a mandatory “I do.” God has you in the palm of His hands. He will never lead you astray. He is the best cure to the fear of commitment.

8. Your desperation.

The two saddest things about desperation are that it’s not cute and it’s very obvious. Barrage-texting, micro-managing, being a pushover, always being available, having no life or adjusting your life for people you hardly know, rationalizing abuse… the symptoms are myriad and are all unattractive and indicative of deep-seated insecurities. Only God can restore battered confidence. Desperation never ends well.

9. You’ve bought into a lie.

If we listen to everybody, we’ll achieve nothing and thus feel like nobodies. Daniel said that in the last days, knowledge would increase. Everybody is a guru nowadays, and you can get confused if you choose to follow a human being. If you receive a prophecy, know its source, so that you’re not holding out for a man for years, only for him to reject you or even get married to someone else. Unless God has expressly told you to do so (and I mean God, not your emotions or a wistful dream you got after eating lots of pepperoni), please don’t buy your wedding dress if you’re not planning a wedding! Living in the now is as important as planning for the future.

10. It’s God’s will. 

Always remember that you’re single, not sick. Still, this might be a bitter pill to swallow: It could be that you’re doing everything right, but it’s just not yet time. The woman who delights in the Lord will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season. An orange tree is not a vine and cannot bring forth grapes. Raw oranges are bitter, and rotten ones are disgusting – and both can be harmful. Sometimes, we just have to wait. The good thing about it all is that when the right season arrives, it arrives with its fruit, in all its beauty and fullness. A glowing bride at 39 is not thinking how much better the day would have been if she were 19. She’s just happy. And I’m sure she’ll tell you that waiting until she turned 39 is way better than being stuck for life with the wrong person at 19.

Does this help? Please know that you’re loved, you’re okay, and you’ll be okay, and it’ll be okay.

Love,

Pea.

Frustration.
Main Entry: chagrin
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: displeasure
Synonyms: annoyance… disgruntlement, dismay, disquiet, dissatisfaction, embarrassment, fretfulness, humiliation, ill-humor, irritation, letdown, mortification… shame… upset, vexation
Antonyms: delight, gladness, happiness, joy, pleasure, triumph
– thesaurus.com

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