wmnsprzHey, all.

I’d like to begin by apologizing for the comment issues on this blog. I’m always messing around with the settings and didn’t realize that the default comment setting had been set to “Do Not Allow”, possibly for months now. I thought Disqus was playing me but it’s probably my fault. Poleni.

I need to write, but so far it’s been a bit of an intense year – in a good way, mostly – and I’ve realized that when that happens, I tend to have so much to write that I don’t write anything at all. I can’t tell you how many posts I’ve begun and discarded… I found a few of them two days ago; I’m sure you know how it feels to read something and think, “Wait, when did I write that?”

Anyway. A few things happened last week that caused me to remember yet another draft that I unfortunately can’t find. I’m going to have to improvise, so here we go. This was a post addressed to the guys, and had to do with things to say to a woman to make her day. I came across a few articles that apparently list things women love to hear, but I felt like they omitted so much. This is my attempt at an additional list; my way of adding my voice to the noise out there on this topic and trying to help single (i.e. unmarried) guys out a little more.

Say these things as often as you can…

1)    “How can I help?” This is the question that reminded me about this post. I expressed some concerns to a friend and not only did he ask this; he actually went ahead to try and help. Now, of course if you’re with a sensible woman, she’s not going to go, “Well, for starters…” and then list two thousand things you need to do.

This question is wonderful because men are such fixers, but sometimes women don’t really want things to be fixed; they just want someone to listen. Asking it can help her articulate what she needs from you. Even if she says “You need to stop asking how you can help every time there is a problem. This situation has an obvious solution,” at least you’ll know how you can help, i.e. by ceasing to inquire, right?

2)    “Is that a new/different [perfume/hairstyle/top]? It [looks/smells] great on you.” This is amazing because it shows her that you pay attention. Every woman loves attention. Of course this question and the follow-up comment have to be genuine. A similar one that some women like (but some might find offensive) is, “Have you been working out?”

3)    a)“You’re beautiful.” “Beautiful” means so much more than “Pretty,” “Sexy,” etc. It alludes to character, and speaks of the woman in her entirety, not just her looks. I think b) “You’re more beautiful than…” and c) “You’re the most beautiful woman I know” are tricky because it doesn’t look nice if you actually name someone she knows in (b), and (c) might cause her to begin to wonder exactly how many women you know, and if she’s obsessive she might begin to wonder if she is more beautiful than the women you don’t know. However, Proverbs 31:29 and even stories like Snow White – “Who’s the fairest of them all?” – tend to back at least (c) up.

4)    “You’re my best friend.” This makes a woman’s day because we know how guys view friendship. A guy’s friends – the boys – are those people he has known for years, if not decades. They have access to parts of him and information about him that possibly no woman is ever going to have the privilege to access. When you pay her this compliment, what she will hear is that you think she is cool, you guys can hang, you value her input, you’re okay with her company when you do things you love. It also means you can be open with her about anything, which very few men ever are with a woman.

5)    “You make me a better man,” which can also be said as “You’re good for me,” “I thank God for you,” or “I’m so glad I met you.” Maybe even “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” This makes her day because she hears that she is a positive addition to your life. She’s not that contentious woman with whom it is difficult to build a home. She’s an asset to you. She may know it by your actions, but verbalizing it would make a woman’s day.

6)    “I like the way you…” This is particularly special if it’s about something quirky or something that others wouldn’t easily notice. “I like the way you read the news” means so much less to a news anchor than “I love your cooking,” which probably means slightly less than “I love the way you get a dimple on your nose when you’re trying to stifle a laugh.” See how we’re progressing to increasingly specific, increasingly random things that probably no one else would notice?

7)    “It’s okay.” Whether it’s something terrible she’s going through, or something terrible she’s apologizing for, or something you’re going to take care of, or something she’s embarrassed about, these words provide the reassurance that you are still by her side no matter what. They show that you a) forgive her, or b) understand, or c) are not judging her. As long as you’re dating a human being, there will be times when she needs to hear you say “It’s okay.” Add a hug for effect. Maybe a kiss on the forehead. You know her better than I do. Lol.

8)    “I just called to say hey.” Okay, so this will mean more to a woman who values quality time, but I think it means a lot to every other woman as well. If you’re a really busy man, it will mean so much to your woman if you give her a call every so often not to ask a favor, talk about plans for the evening/weekend, etc. Just a random call to check on her will absolutely make her day.

9)    “No.” Say it sometimes. Don’t be such a pushover. It will help her know you’re looking out for her. Don’t worry about feminism. And don’t do it just for egotistical purposes. If you truly disagree with an issue, or if you feel that she shouldn’t participate in something, just say “No.” If you’re scared, don’t show it. Just say “No,” or “Not happening,” and go about your business like you are certain she understands what you just said. She will respect you for it. Now, the caveat with this is if she says you’re not her father/husband, she’s right… but if she’s a good woman and you are being sensible, it probably won’t come to that.

10) “I love you.” I’m personally not too big on this one, because I feel that it’s been abused. I no longer think it needs to be said at the end of every conversation and so on. I think love is something that is better shown than talked about, but that’s just me; I know that many women need to hear that they are loved and appreciated. So let her know! The fact that you said it yesterday and haven’t changed your mind since then does not mean she doesn’t need you to say it today. Make her day, already. Tell her you love her.

Now, remember, the trick is to only say these things if you mean them. Don’t use them as an excuse to end an argument or to manipulate her into doing something you want. I know a woman whose ex was trying to get permission from her to go to the club with some guys. It resulted in a huge fight and right in the middle of the fight, right in front of these friends, he told her “I love you.” From what I gather, it was the first time he was saying those words. I’ll spare you the details, but basically, at the end of that conversation, he was embarrassed and later went on to ask her “Do you know how stupid I felt?”

I think being genuine is important for every relationship. Don’t say things just to say them, because that cheapens the words and can lead to deep resentment. It has almost the same effect as someone doing the same hurtful thing over and over, then saying “I’m sorry,” each time assuming that “I’m sorry” will fix the situation. Of course one day, this person will repeat the mistake and be met with a, “Don’t even dare to open your mouth to say ‘I’m sorry’ this time.” Why? Because the apologies have been cheapened by the repetition.

Have a lovely week!

Love,

Pea

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