I’m blogging on a weekend, which is rare. How are you all doing? How can I pray for you?
Anyway… I was thinking about this earlier today: Isn’t it amazing how acceptable cheating has become in recent years? I can’t believe the commercials these days, especially in conservative old Kenya! It breaks my heart that women go into marriage expecting there to be a mpango wa kando in their husbands’ lives within six months. It’s sad that many wives have accepted cheating as commonplace and just choose to roll with the punches! The bolder ones go on revenge missions and become adulterous cougars and destroy the homes of others because they could not build their own. I say like James, “My brothers and sisters, these things ought not to be so.”
With whom are these men cheating? Who are these women who are so brazenly bent on breaking the homes of others? It is our coworkers, former classmates, choir members. If you are reading this and you are knowingly wrecking another woman’s home, please stop it, or know that you will be exposed in Jesus’ Name. You are digging a pit for others into which you shall fall yourself and you are rolling stones that will roll back on you. You are sowing seeds that are generations deep, and you will reap them by yourself and for yourself. With all the available men in this world, did you have to go and steal somebody else’s? The Word itself says that until you let that mess go, nothing you do will prosper.
#EndMiniRant. If you’re a single woman, it’s pretty likely that you have been approached by a married man. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s probably going to happen soon.
Under normal circumstances, when we reject men, we need to do it with tact, leaving room for friendship and keeping bridges unburned. But when it comes to a married man, you want to slam that door shut without the possibility of being opened again. You say “But maybe he will get a divorce; maybe he will become a widower.” If you just said that, thunder fire that your mouth. Lol. On a serious note, though: first of all, it is mean and ungodly to hope that the misfortune of others will be your good fortune. Secondly, you cannot tell the future. Slam the door shut and if the divorce does happen, kutaneni mbele. His midlife crisis and marital or domestic issues are not your problem. There is a Balm in Gilead and you are not Him. Don’t try to fix what God has not called you to fix because that is making yourself god to another person and history has proven times without number that it cannot end well for anyone who does that.
Men don’t do hints, so it is important to be very clear on this issue whether they are married or unmarried. But sometimes, especially for the older generation, “no” somehow translates as “yes”. So how do you reject a married man? It’s easy if you have a significant other – just bring him up, and if that doesn’t work, show up with him. If you’re not in a relationship, I think the key is to do your best to shock this married man to his senses, and if that doesn’t work, cut him off completely. I really think this is one bridge that it’s okay to burn. The fact that he’s your boss doesn’t make him your source; the fact that he’s your lector doesn’t mean he holds your favor.
Ideally, you should be able to carry out 1-10 below, regardless of your situation. They’ve all worked for me. Alors, on y va:
1. Before he appears: It’s probably a good idea to have some ground rules about your principles, procedures, and personal information. Know within yourself that you are a treasure and not a rag; that you were not created to be used by the devil to destroy the lives of others. Desire to be a fragrance and not a nuisance wherever you go. Value yourself. I believe that there is something in every mistress that is crying out for acceptance, and that acceptance cannot come from any human being, much less a married man. We’re told men cheat because they can, because they’re wired to do so, blah, blah, blah. I say men cheat because there are women to cheat with.
It’s good to be practical as well. You’re beautiful. Guard your heart. Do not share your personal information with just anyone. Do not distribute your number and address to everyone and their uncle because it’s easier to avoid those who do not have access to you. Being intentional about these things makes it easier to carry out the stunts below.
2. If he’s wearing his ring: If you have just met this man who is hitting on you, and he is wearing a wedding band, look at it (intently, not spookily) while you speak, only breaking the stare to make eye contact from time to time. He will understand that you know. That usually works for the sensible ones. The conversation is unlikely to last more than five minutes. If it doesn’t, you’re going to have to say it directly: “I do not date married men.” But he’s probably expecting you to say that. Plus, many African men opt not to wear their wedding bands; they find it annoying. So let’s try and find other ways to make things clear.
3. If he reaches out online or you know him from the past: Make a comment about his wife. I don’t know why this works, but it has worked for me time after time, without fail. There have been old friends and exes, who, now married but unaware or forgetful of- or unmoved by! – the fact that I know their status, will write to me or text to say that they are in town. Many times (not always), they will imply that they expect some sort of booty call. Let’s not even get into how offensive this is. From time to time, usually after an article has been published in a newspaper or after an event, a stranger will write to me on Facebook or via email and recommend his website. As soon as I get a whiff of a wife, I usually say straightaway, “Your wife is really beautiful!” or I’ll ask, “How is your wife doing? Please say hello!” The immediate dead silence is often so hilariously loud that I end up chuckling to myself. I have no idea why this question puts married men off, but I am so glad it does.
4. If you know his wife: Make a threat. If you threaten to end a friendship with an African man, he might think you’re just playing hard to get. So if you know his wife, threaten to let her know. Intend to follow through with your threat. You probably won’t need to. If he sees that you’re serious and has the slightest form of respect for his reputation and his wife, he will back off.
5. If he’s in a position of power: Report him to the relevant authorities. You shouldn’t have to fail your exams or suffer an uncomfortable work environment just because of this man’s selfishness.
6. If he gives a sob story: Recommend a male spiritual leader. For instance, a few weeks ago, one man told me he was in the process of divorcing his wife. She was violent, and made the environment unstable for him and their son. He had tried to take her back and had prayed, and felt a release to let her go. Usually the sob story guy will say something about how you are just the perfect wife, he wishes his wife were like you, his marriage is in the doldrums and so there is no chance he will get back to his wife…etc. In such situations, what I normally say is, “I’m really sorry to hear that. I just said a prayer for you. Unfortunately, I have not been in your shoes, so I don’t really know what to say. However, I have this friend, Pastor So-and-So, and he is a really good counselor. Here’s his number. I think he might have some wonderful pointers for you. God bless.” Another one that works is, “I hear you. Here’s the thing… I know I’m not a little girl anymore, but it is really important to me that my father give his consent on this issue. I’d like you to call him and inform him of your story and your intentions. If he gives his consent, I am yours. Would you like his number?” This last one is extremely annoying, and will often result in a, “Stop this nonsense, we’re adults!” Don’t worry, he won’t ask for Daddy’s number. But don’t laugh, or else he’ll think you’re joking. Be deadpan. Hold that poker face as long as you can. Laugh alone later in your bed.
7. If he’s extremely hot: Disappear. I have nothing else. Just disappear. The most dangerous married man is the one you are attracted to. It doesn’t matter how saved you are. How many female Christian musicians do we know who probably thought they were too saved to stumble? Cut him off completely. You do not want to go there. Married men who are hot are made hotter by the fact that they know women so well. The years of marriage have given them experience, and so they know just what to say and buy, when and where and how to speak and etc.. and they often have the funds to back up their statements with some romance. You do not want to lick that plugged-in iron, no matter how nice it smells*. Stay away. Trust me, I know how upsetting and frustrating it can be. I know what it’s like to want to look for loopholes in scripture to justify sin. But remember that if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you… so run.
8. If he persists or is hard to get away from:
Phase 1: Change your number. Think of it as looking out for two women’s households: his wife’s and your own. There was a time when we just changed numbers if our phones were stolen, right? It was not a big deal. So why not change it now? It doesn’t take too much.
Phase 2: You might have to take it up a notch. So… say you’re not interested – but say it in front of a group of people. Yes, you’d be embarrassing him, but you’d probably be helping save his marriage. Call it tough love. He’ll be very annoyed, which is good – we want him to be repulsed by you, don’t we?
9. If he’s Nigerian or if you met him at church: Picture his wife’s midnight prayers and RUN. My dear, you do not want to cross a prayerful woman. Apparently, there is a new trend in Kenya called “show me your oga I show you mine.” Better be sure that your oga is not married. Please believe the average Nigerian woman is very prayerful. She does not play, especially when it comes to her marriage! I have joined my friends in prayer several times on normal days, and trust me: you do not want those hot coals landing on your head. The way many Naija wives pray, if you dare to so much as imagine that the her water no go boil, your own pot no go hot. In fact, stove and matchbox and even water sef go disappear for your village. I deeply respect Naija prayers. But I respect the prayers of every legitimate wife as well. Why? Because God Himself is their defense. God Himself must fight for what He has decreed; namely, that He hates divorce, that nothing He puts together shall be put asunder; that a man be enraptured by his wife, that He desires godly seed, and so on! Whether a woman is a Christian or not, to interfere with a marriage is to cross God. It’s the same as honoring our parents; whether we or they are Christian or not, there are certain blessings or curses that are certain, depending on how we treat them.
10. If you have a heart: Put yourself in his wife’s shoes. Realize that you are sowing a seed toward the same fate because what goes around does come around. Know that this woman probably stays up late night after night, torturing herself, searching her mind and heart to try and determine what it is another woman has that she does not have; what it is in her home that is sending her husband to another woman’s bosom for comfort. The seed that you sow will probably be reaped for generations; and what will you pray when your own daughter’s home is being wrecked? How will your mouth not clamp shut when someone else comes to steal your own husband? Jesus said we should do to others what we would have others do to us; if this is what you would desire for yourself, then go ahead. He said what we give will come back full measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over. In the same way you sow one grain of maize and reap several cobs containing several thousand grains, what you sow for someone else will be restored to you, and bountifully so.
Remember, there is eternity after this. Whatever sweetness you can get or are getting from this momentary, foolish act cannot compare to a place where the worm does not die and the fire is not quenched. The Bible clearly states in 1 Cor 6:9 that adulterers and fornicators will not inherit the kingdom of God. Is it worth it? Did Jesus die for you to open your legs for whoever has the latest car or contract? There is a God who sees, and He has an interest in marriage. It is a fearful thing to fall into His hands. If you are already doing it, please stop it. If you are contemplating it, mortify that thought right away. Do not touch what is not yours.
I don talk my own finish.
(I’m in a pidgin mood today.)
What simple ideas do you have for warding off married men? Please share!
*Totally random proverb based on my friend’s two-year-old nephew who licked an iron while it was plugged in, and on being asked why he did it, responded that he liked the smell.You might also like: