I hope this finds you well. I recently wrote something on the Friend Zone and intended to post it before this, but because it’s addressed to men, I have to find a way to edit it down from the 2000-word letter it currently is to a more palatable length.
In the meantime, here’s the post you asked for in your comment on 10 things that show a man he’s home. Something from the female point of view. I’m thinking letters like the one on toxicity and the one on how to know a man is test-driving a woman give an idea of what women are looking for, but I’ll go ahead and address this note from the other side. Thank you once again for your request and for reading.
How does a woman recognize the man she’s prepared her heart for? What are some questions she’s bound to ask herself? Here you go, Peter. Special delivery!
1) Definite Defense: Will her security be sure?
From what I gather, a man needs respect to feel loved. However, a woman, on the other hand, needs security to feel loved. Just as it is impossible for a man to be disrespected and feel loved, it is very possible for a woman to be respected but feel unloved. She desires to feel safe emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, even spiritually. How many times have we heard someone say, “She’s so insecure!”? That’s because a woman will recoil, act out or act up when she feels like her security is jeopardized.
How can a man help his woman feel secure? She needs to know where the relationship is headed. She needs to be reminded – every day! – that she is beautiful and loved, and that she can do it. She needs to know that a man will not walk away right after she has allowed herself to become vulnerable and invest emotionally, and that rather than being the number one or the first woman among many, she is the only one her man sees in this special way.
2) Confident Command: Will he lead her in love?
I don’t blame men for being somewhat confused. I mean no offense in my next statement: Because of the many mixed messages and attacks over the years, they almost don’t know how or when to lead. Several statements they make come with disclaimers like, “That’s just an opinion, you don’t have to do what I say.” They are afraid that any suggestions they make will infringe on women’s rights. But at the same time, they don’t want to see women destroy themselves. How does a man even lead in 2012? I know it’s possible. I don’t know how. But a godly woman wants to know that she has leadership over her. Timidity and humility are two different things. A godly man is humble, but not timid.
3) Ceaseless Commitment: Will her trust be treasured?
Faithfulness is important to both men and women. A godly woman is looking for a man who will be faithful to God, so that he is faithful to her and to his family. Faithfulness does not just mean not cheating. It definitely includes it, but it is also about consistency, dependability, diligence, and what some people call stick-to-it-iveness. If he cannot keep a job, how will he keep a home? If he cannot keep his word, how will he keep his vows? Faithfulness means being selfless, modest and respectful – considering her feelings. A committed man will not allow other women to disrespect his woman by accessing what should be hers alone. He obviously will not indulge in sexual sin.
4) Forgiven Flaws/Failures: Will her limp be latent?
One of my favorite stories in the Bible (I think I say this about pretty much every story I use as an example) is the story of David and Mephibosheth. King David had a good friend known as Jonathan. Jonathan was the son of David’s predecessor, King Saul. One day, David and Jonathan made a covenant to look out for each other. Not too long after this, Jonathan died in battle alongside his father, leaving behind a son named Mephibosheth.
On the day, when Mephibosheth was five years old, that the news of Jonathan’s and Saul’s death reached his town, his nurse picked him up and in her hurry to flee, dropped him so that he broke his legs.
Years later, David, remembering his covenant with Jonathan, asked if anyone was left of Saul’s household. “Is there anyone [left]… so that I may show him kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” Someone mentioned Mephibosheth. To cut a long story short, Mephibosheth ended up dining at the king’s table from that time onward. He was spared later on, again for Jonathan’s sake, when seven of Saul’s sons were hanged because Saul broke a covenant that Joshua had made many years earlier with the Gibeonites.
I said all that to say this: Many women (or shall I speak for myself? Lol) have mess-ups in their pasts that could fill up a Yellow Pages and be categorized into location and year, in alphabetical order… LOL. Women want to know that in marriage, they will be dining at the king’s table, where, like Mephibosheth, their lameness will be hidden. Like someone wisely elaborated, when Mephibosheth sat at the king’s table, he was just like any other man because nobody could see his feet. Every woman is looking for that David who will not care who dropped her in the past, but will invite her, an equal royal, to share in his royalty. She does not need someone to beat her up; trust me, if my own experience and the stories I hear every day are anything to go by, she’s probably done a good job of that on her own. She knows what everyone thinks and what the Bible says about the fact that she had a child out of wedlock. She knows if she’s overweight and she probably sees reminders everywhere. A woman needs a man who will call out the best in her, not magnify things God has forgiven and forgotten.
5) Vivid Vision: Will her assistance have an aim?
Few things are more frustrating to a woman than a man who has no idea where he is going. This is why it is wisely said that the three things man should find are Master, Mission, Mate – in that order. First, a man must become close to the Lord, and figure out what his calling is, before he tries to get someone to help him. No godly woman wants to help a man do nothing. No woman wants to be joined to confusion. Where is he going? Does she want to tag along? Does he have insecurity issues, family history issues, drama issues, psycho issues, any issues that he needs to work on before he is ready to lead a home?
6) Cherished Chase: Will her attractiveness be assured?
We all know that age will take a toll on every woman, as will life, childbearing, child rearing, and busyness. Nobody expects any man to see his woman as magazine-cover-material every minute of every day. However, she wants to know that her man will be willing to woo her not just initially, but always. That he will be creative and interesting, not just during the dating/courtship days, but for life. Being realistic, she does not necessarily want a storybook marriage, but she definitely does not want a horror movie one, either. She wants to be romanced for life. She wants no man to outdo her man at making her feel beautiful. There will always be women more and less attractive than her, but she wants to know that he will desire only her, always. How realistic is this? I don’t know. I’m just the messenger :).
7) Listening Love: Will her affairs have an audience?
In other words, will she be able to talk to him, or will she just be considered another piece of furniture? Will they be able to communicate? Will she have to go to someone else to share something because she is afraid that the man with whom she is one flesh will be unavailable or disinterested? Women need to express themselves. They need that empathy, those “Uh-huh? Really?! What!” sounds, that “It’s okay. It will be okay. I’m here.” Communication is very important. Sex cannot be about, “You. Move there. Thank you. Good night.” “How was your day?” cannot be responded to with a “Fine. Where’s the food?”
8) Lasting Laughs: Will mirth break monotony?
Not every man has to be a stand-up comedian or a geek that cracks the most hilarious, deadpan jokes. However, in a lifelong partner, a woman wants to find someone who is a joy to be around. Just like a man does, a woman longs to have that partner with whom she is so in love that just a thought of him adds sweetness to any potentially bitter day and causes her to remember that it is indeed the day that the Lord has made and she’d better rejoice and be glad in it. Humor is the best way to break monotony. Marriage will be very boring if you cannot laugh together even during trials.
9) Friendship Forever. Will his companionship be comforting?
I wrote in the unpublished Friend Zone article that the friend zone is a good place to be because good friends make the best husbands. I think that every woman needs close female friends, because there are things, such as cramps, hairstyle trends, and recipes, that many men just are not interested in hearing about over and over again. I’m pretty sure, as well, that many men do not want women tagging along all the time. However, women need to be friends with their husbands. A man who is his wife’s friend will be able to tell her if her best friend or the maid tries to flirt with him. He will also be able to tell her if her hair looks funny or her nail polish does not match her skin tone. A woman who is her husband’s friend will be able to say “Babe, you need to use mouthwash” as well as “Good job! I knew you could do it!” She will, like one person said, call out the best in him. Couples who are friends can hang out together for long periods of time and truly miss each other when they are not together.
10) Meritable Manliness: Will her maturity be matched?
A good husband does not have to be the most handsome cookie in the batch. He does not need to have a huge bank account balance or live a flashy life. He honestly does not even need to have a job. But if he has potential (and who doesn’t? See #5), this is enough for a good woman. That very rich man might lose his job a day after the wedding. If his money was his life, then he will become lifeless. A woman knows that, like someone wisely said, God is the Provider; a husband is His provision. She knows that the man she marries will not be perfect and she will not need to compare him to Mister Bigshot somewhere in some large office or behind some pulpit, because these men have had a huge head start (which includes things like age and therefore time) over her man. If he is grown enough to address conflict healthily, if he has boldness and is not a pushover, if he can pray and walks closely with God, then he will be able to handle a godly woman, because these are some of the traits that differentiate a boy from a man.
I hope this helps! Thank you so much for reading.
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